


slipping away

by justamessedupkid



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, One Shot, Suicide Attempt, delphine has to overcome her demons to let cosima into her heart, delphine meets cosima after trying to take her own life, delphine's pov, they are basically inseparable from the start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27048553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justamessedupkid/pseuds/justamessedupkid
Summary: She had read somewhere, a long time ago now, that when you die, just before all life drains from your body, you see the thing you love most in this world, pit-of-the-soul, can’t-live-without love. And if this love is strong enough, you come back, you get a second chance. As the darkness was closing in on her, Delphine didn’t see anything.-Delphine wakes up in a hospital after deciding her life is over. She is all alone. That is, until, out of the blue, a certain cheeky brunette comes to visit her. How does she know Delphine? And why is Delphine so drawn to her?
Relationships: Cophine - Relationship, Delphine Cormier/Cosima Niehaus
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	slipping away

**Author's Note:**

> I felt like writing and this is what happened. :D  
> The plot is inspired by the beginnings of the relationship between Juliana Crain and Frank Frink in The Man in the High Castle (if you have watched the show).  
> The rating is T, but there is mention of suicide and Delphine struggles with suicidal thoughts, so proceed with caution.  
> Also, apologies for the mistakes I surely made. I am not a native English speaker and I don't have a beta.  
> Other than that, I hope you enjoy reading!

-

She was slowly slipping away, but, somehow, she couldn’t bring herself to care. And why should she?

She had read somewhere, a long time ago now, that when you die, just before all life drains from your body, you see the thing you love most in this world, pit-of-the-soul, can’t-live-without love. And if this love is strong enough, you come back, you get a second chance.

As the darkness was closing in on her, Delphine didn’t see anything.

-

This is why, as the sounds of the outside world start to filter into her consciousness, she feels nothing but shock. It is why, as she slowly opens her eyes, she is almost repelled by the blinding light of the lamps on the ceiling. And it is also why, as soon as she realises that she is lying in a hospital bed, she starts to panic.

Delphine’s eyes fill with tears she is trying hard to fight back down. Her body is shaking and tensing up at the same time. She wants desperately to move, to flee, to not be conscious. It is then that she realises she can’t do any of these things.

Her arms and legs are secured to the frame of the metal bed and no matter how hard she tries, she is unable to free herself. Why can’t she free herself? And why the fuck isn’t she dead?

The tears are spilling over, clouding her vision, and through the high-pitched ringing of her ears, she can make out loud sobs, transforming into cries, morphing into screams. It takes a moment for Delphine to understand that those animalistic sounds are, in fact, leaving her own mouth.

Shortly after making the connection, her vision starts to darken again. The last thing she sees is the concerned face of a nurse.

-

The next time she wakes, she is calmer. She has started to accept that she isn’t dead. Yet.

She takes her time looking around the room – as good as she can, being trapped in a lying position. It is, for lack of a better term, clinical. There is her bed, of course, and an uncomfortable looking chair next to it. That’s it. No windows. No personal touches. Delphine wonders if this can really be a hospital. Being in this room, it makes her want to—

No! She stops herself from finishing the thought. She knows she can’t go down that route. There is too much time to think for that.

-

She doesn’t get any visitors. Not a single one in the two weeks she has been here. She has to ask a nurse for the dates because all notion of time is lost on her. Delphine really isn’t surprised, though. She doesn’t expect anyone. She prefers her solitude.

By now, she is allowed to leave her room, wander around the hospital garden. A nurse has brought her a couple of books, so she doesn’t die—

In any event, Delphine is feeling more like herself every day. Whether that is a good thing is yet to be determined.

-

Delphine has just finished rereading the second book the nurse gave her for the third time. It is a crime novel and knowing the culprit all along hasn’t really helped in making the reading more exciting. Still, it is better than staring at the wall, she supposes.

She looks at the clock – one of the perks of being moved to a more open ward last week – and decides it would be a good time to take a nap. Visitor hours have begun, and she really can’t stand all the people in the halls and the garden. Her being all by herself obviously isn’t contributing to her aversion to this particular time of day. No, she likes her solitude just fine.

As she prepares for nap time by putting down her book and moving over to the window to close the curtains – yes, she has a window now! – Delphine hears the door open behind her.

Slightly annoyed, she turns around, fully prepared to explain the concepts of privacy and knocking to one of the nurses. Instead, she is silenced by the presence of a complete stranger.

“Hey,” the woman offers, a smile playing around her lips, concern and nervousness evident in her expressive eyes.

Delphine, still confused by the woman’s presence in her room, but also strangely mesmerised by her, opens her mouth, closes it again. Speaking doesn’t seem to be an option. She opts for observation instead, narrowing her eyes to fully take in the woman.

She seems to be around the same age as Delphine – mid-twenties – but there is something inherently youthful to her. Maybe it is her clothes that seem to be thrown together randomly but, weirdly enough, fit the woman’s vibes. Maybe it is the way she scrunches her nose every few seconds, trying to keep her glasses from slipping down her nose. Or maybe it is the nose ring and the dreadlocks, that shouldn’t look this good but, once again, just make sense on the small woman.

Delphine’s reverie is interrupted by the woman’s slightly amused voice. “I’m Cosima,” she introduces herself. “It’s nice to, like, actually meet you.”

Delphine can’t stop one of her eyebrows from raising suspiciously. “W- What do you mean? Who are you?” She curses her voice for sounding so raspy, so unsure.#

Cosima suddenly doesn’t seem all that cheerful anymore. She clears her throat. “Damn, okay. You don’t know who I am.”

“Should I?”, Delphine cuts in. She doesn’t mean for it to sound this harsh, but she is genuinely confused and doesn’t want to give away more than she already has.

The other woman shakes her head, gesturing wildly. “Nononono, of course not. Shit. I just- It’s kinda hard to explain how I know you. Or not hard per se, I guess, but I really hoped someone else already would’ve, you know? Or you don’t know. Fuck, I’m rambling again. Why am I always rambling?”

Delphine chuckles at the endearing nervousness Cosima is displaying. The sound surprises them both. Delphine can’t really remember the last time she laughed. It is a strange sound that she isn’t sure she likes yet. Cosima seems to, though, because her own grin is lighting up her face.

“Okay, do you maybe wanna sit? I don’t know, could be a long-ish story,” she explains.

Delphine decides to not remark on the absurdity of a strange woman entering her hospital room – without knocking -, claiming to know her and then offering her a seat on her own fucking bed. She simply sits down, motioning for Cosima to continue speaking.

-

“You found me?” Delphine repeats blankly. Her brain refuses to understand these words.

Cosima sheepishly answers with an affirmative. “I was the one who called the ambulance. They refused to let me ride with you though. Family only, they said. And I didn’t even know your name, you know? Took me a while, but I found you and now I’m here!” By now, she is grinning again, her eyes sparkling.

But for some reason, the woman’s lively energy doesn’t disturb Delphine, doesn’t make her feel cornered and trapped, like it does with other people. Instead, it relaxes her, if only marginally, and she feels the corners of her mouth lift up in a smile yet again. Twice in one day – has to be some kind of record.

“Why?” Delphine doesn’t even realise she voiced the question until she sees Cosima’s confused expression. She mulls the question over in her head, then clarifies: “Why look for me? You don’t even know my name, like you said. You did everything you could by calling the ambulance.”

It is something she genuinely wonders, and it comes close to the question she wants to pose: “Why did you think I was worth all that trouble?”

For the first time, Cosima seems self-conscious. It is a curious sight, like it shouldn’t happen. “I don’t really know,” she admits. “I just know that I couldn’t stop wondering if you were okay.”

She chances a glance at Delphine and relaxes at Delphine’s calm expression. “Also, just for the record, I do know your name. I did some real detective work to find you, Dr. Cormier.”

She winks. She fucking winks. For some reason, this is what throws Delphine completely.

“Delphine,” she murmurs. “Don’t be ridiculous, call me Delphine.” She can’t stop looking at the floor while speaking. Never has a floor been more interesting, she thinks sarcastically.

If possible, Cosima brightens up even more. “Sure thing, Delphine!”

-

Delphine doesn’t know why, but Cosima keeps coming back. They don’t talk about the incident any more, the reason why Delphine is at the hospital.

Delphine wonders whether they should talk about it in more detail. Whether Cosima knows what actually happened that day. She doesn’t seem to, but, then again, maybe she does and doesn’t want to intrude. Delphine just doesn’t know, and it is driving her insane.

At the same time, she is trying to keep the incident, her own thoughts and everything in between as far away as possible. She has stuffed it all into drawers in her mind and deliberately lost the keys.

She can’t stop the memories, the intrusive thoughts from finding their way out of the drawer from time to time, but there is no shortage of drawers to stuff them back into and, by themselves, they aren’t as terrifying.

Cosima helps, too. When she is with Delphine, her brain behaves. Delphine feels the distance between the person she was the day of the incident and the person she is now growing. Still, she can’t remember a time she felt more like herself. Cosima does that.

Delphine hasn’t found out why Cosima bothers either. Why she comes every single day, without fail, talking about everything from an obscure film she watched the night before to her dissertation in Evo-devo – a strange word, Delphine finds.

Cosima’s speech is full of terms unfamiliar to her. She thought she had mastered the English language but every part of Cosima is a riddle that begs to be solved, her speech no different. And Delphine is lured in, little by little, but irrevocably so.

-

The day Delphine is released from the hospital, Cosima comes to get her. Outside, it is pouring with rain, and by the time they reach Delphine’s flat, their clothes are a lost cause, and they are giggling like crazy.

Delphine thought about returning home a lot while she was at the hospital. To tell the truth, she dreaded her return. She simply couldn’t, wouldn’t imagine coming back to this cold and emotionless place. She couldn’t, wouldn’t imagine everything going back to the way it was before. That would simply be unbearable.

It is different with Cosima. Cosima is brightness, Cosima is life. And with her, Delphine’s entire flat blooms, glows, shines. With her, Delphine feels, no she is safe.

-

Delphine hasn’t returned to work yet and Cosima’s dissertation can, in her own words, “fucking wait”. They spend almost every single hour of the day together. 

Delphine thinks that Cosima must have other friends, other obligations. Is she spending time with her out of pity? She doesn’t want that, can’t believe how much that thought hurts, so she pushes it away. She decides that, no matter her motivations, Cosima’s presence is enough, is essential to her happiness.

At present, they are sitting on Delphine’s couch, a glass of wine each. Cosima is laughing at Delphine.

“You’re so cute,” she giggles.

Delphine’s face grows stern, but it is obvious that she is amused. “I am not cute. I am annoyed because you can’t seem to express yourself like a normal person.”

Cosima laughs even harder, then, suddenly, is very serious. “Would you rather I be normal?” she asks.

Delphine can’t get rid of the lump in her throat, so she just shakes her head wordlessly. She reaches out to trace Cosima’s jaw with her fingers.

“You’re perfect” she whispers, barely audible.

-

They are lying on Cosima’s bed, having just finished watching a film. The laptop creates a distance between them that feels wrong to Delphine.

Looking at the ceiling, she reaches out for it and puts it on the floor next to the bed. Then, she scoots closer to Cosima, reaches out for the other woman’s hand.

The warmth, the electricity she feels as their hands touch, cautiously at first, soon gripping the other, is almost overwhelming. But it is also perfect, so perfect.

This, Delphine thinks, is what life should always be like. If she believed in a god, she would expect this to be heaven.

They don’t talk, just hold hands and stare at the ceiling until they both drift off to sleep.

-

Delphine doesn’t know why but she can’t get up. She is alone in her room, but it has never felt so small, the walls closing in on her and the bedsheets suffocating her. Her eyes are open, but she doesn’t process what she is seeing. She doesn’t want to see anything anyway.

She doesn’t react when her doorbell rings, even though she knows it is Cosima. They were supposed to meet up today.

They can’t see each other as frequently now. Delphine is working again and Cosima’s advisors are pushing her to actually work on her dissertation. The weekends are precious to them. So why can’t she get herself to react?

At some point, Cosima gives up and leaves, but not before calling her phone and texting her. Delphine doesn’t respond to any of it and she hates herself for it.

She can see Cosima’s disappointed face when she closes her eyes, and it kills her that she is the reason for it. She screams into her pillow, but it helps only marginally.

A couple of days later, Cosima accepts Delphine’s apology without any questions. She is too good of a person, Delphine thinks, too good for her anyway. Still, she is selfish, and she can’t let go of her.

-

When Cosima kisses her, the only thing she can think is, I’m not worthy of this why would she want me like that this can’t happen, merde!

Her body, however, seems to disagree. Her eyes close, her hands move to Cosima’s cheeks, her mouth eagerly kisses back. And even though her mind protests, she can’t deny that this feels so, so right, that this is it. This is why she lived even though she had decided not to. She was supposed to experience this.

But, after a few precious seconds, her mind wins and she retreats, cautious not to startle Cosima. She does so anyway. She can’t hide the pleading in her eyes and Cosima interprets it the only way she knows how.

“Shit, I’m sorry Delphine, did I just make a huge mistake?”

Delphine wants to tell her no, that this was the single greatest thing that has ever happened to her. But she finally wants to be brave and she believes deliberately hurting Cosima now is infinitely better than accidentally hurting her over and over again.

“It’s okay,” she hears herself say. “I—I have to go.”

And then she runs.

-

She knows she can’t avoid Cosima forever, that she has to confront her at some point. Delphine simply isn’t ready to see the hurt she has caused. But she stands by her decision and she refuses to lose her best – and only – friend.

That is how she finds herself standing in front of Cosima’s flat, trembling and wishing she had never been born.

Cosima opens the door too fast not to have known Delphine is there. She probably saw her nervously smoking cigarette after cigarette outside the building before finding the courage to come in. The thought does nothing to calm Delphine.

“I’m sorry—” she starts but is immediately interrupted by Cosima.

“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed. You’re not gay and that’s totally fine.”

Delphine nods, relieved that Cosima has taken over the talking. She doesn’t think she could have gone on without crying.

-

It is almost like before. Almost. Delphine just can’t stop thinking about that fucking kiss. It is on her mind constantly, whether Cosima is around or not.

Now, as they are standing next to each other on Delphine’s balcony, she desperately tries to come up with something else to occupy her mind. She takes a deep drag of her cigarette.

“You know that I tried to kill myself. That day. Don’t you?”

It comes out without warning. Delphine is probably more surprised by her own words than Cosima. Cosima actually doesn’t seem that fazed.

Delphine observes as the other woman takes in a deep breath and lets it out before she answers.

“Kinda. I think I figured it out, but I wasn’t, like, sure or anything.”

Delphine simply nods and continues smoking. Somehow, it feels good to have said it out loud. She thinks for a while and then says: “I never thanked you. I don’t think I would make the same choice now, so thank you.”

Cosima blushes, then smiles. “Well, it was kinda selfish in hindsight. After all, what would I do without my best friend?”

Delphine can’t help but smirk. “Brat,” she teases.

“You love it,” Cosima responds.

Yes, Delphine thinks, I do.

-

“Why did you kiss me back?” Cosima asks suddenly. They are walking next to each other, enjoying the flowers blooming around them.

Delphine opens her mouth to answer but Cosima isn’t finished. “Don’t get me wrong, I totally respect your feelings and all that. I just can’t stop wondering.”

Delphine smiles at that. “I can’t stop thinking about the kiss either,” she admits. Her self-control seems to have gone completely out the window.

Cosima stops, gravel crunching underneath her feet. She bows her head to the side just slightly and regards Delphine, almost shocked.

“Like- in a not bad way?”

Delphine has to laugh at that, at Cosima’s ignorance. She quickly collects herself, though, unsure of how to express herself best.

“Like, my mind is messed up and sometimes I think I can’t ever be fixed and that you should get away from me while you still can, so that I’ll be the only casualty, but when you kissed me, I’ve never felt something like that and I just wanted it to go on forever.”

She smiles sheepishly at her admission.

Cosima looks at with bright eyes, like she can’t believe what she just heard.

“That’s oddly romantic… and totally encouraging,” she murmurs, her voice lightly teasing.

Delphine doesn’t know who makes the first move, but suddenly they are close, so close, and her hand is stroking Cosima’s cheek and they are closing the remaining gap between them.

Their lips connect and it is fire. Delphine is burning up from the warmth that fills her. She still doesn’t know why this feels so right, but it does, and who is she to continue to resist?

So, when Cosima’s tongue slides along her lips, asking for entrance, she grants it willingly. She is desperate for the contact, she wants to explore this riddle, this miracle that is Cosima.

When they part, the are both panting and their lips are swollen. It is perfect.

Cosima lightly nuzzles Delphine, then speaks: “Just for the record, though – I don’t know whether your mind is messed up or not, and I don’t really care to be honest with you. I care that you’re okay, I care about you and I care about us – whatever we are – and I wouldn’t ever want to run away from that.”

Delphine doesn’t know whether to laugh or to cry, so she does both. She pulls Cosima in once again, desperately kissing every part of her she can find – mouth, nose, cheeks, neck, until Cosima is giggling and begging for mercy.

Finally, she relents and whispers into Cosima’s ear: “I care about you, too. And I promise you, I don’t want to run anymore either.”

\--FIN--


End file.
